Oh Dr. Karp, you are a god here on earth

So first off, an update on the screaming. My friend Melanie, Hi Mel, told me that her sister has had good luck with calming her newborn using the techniques in Happiest Baby on the Block. I had read this book months ago and used some of the techniques but as the author, Dr. Karp, tells us, you must use all 5 of his calming techniques together for maximum effect. So last night we did them all - swaddle, side-lie, suck, shoosh and swing and lo, the screaming stopped. We then put Ben to bed swaddled and he slept for three hours! This was an hour more than his usual stretches so we were very excited. We also tried to provide some white noise with a radio turned on dead air but there really isn't such a thing as dead air in this city so music and weird tones kept breaking through. But I just downloaded some womb sounds so we'll try that tonight.

The second big news is that we took Ben in for his 6-week check up and he weighs 13 pounds. 13 pounds! This is enormo giant baby! But the midwife said still in the normal range. So hah! It wasn't just that he was big for his age in the womb, he's big for his age out here in the world too. Anyway, he is gaining weight faster than I can grow the muscles to lift him so my poor back is getting quite a workout these days. But Mark and I are getting more competent. We are now awesome at the bathing thing, I can cut his wee little fingernails like a pro, and we can both change a diaper in no time flat. We finally tracked down glass bottles so even though I'm not breastfeeding, I can still be a little bit earth-mothery. And now that we have a trick for the screaming, why, it's almost bearable!

But it's still very very hard. We're still counting down the days to three months, to six months, to kindergarten. But the thought of a second child doesn't make me want to cut out my reproductive organs with a rusty spoon anymore so things must be getting better. And this morning, Ben even cood at us and smiled at the pretty, pretty light coming through the window. And I started to have that feeling again, like I can see how this parenthood thing might be a good thing. :)

God bless the baby swing

Ben has been crying. And by crying I mean screaming. And by screaming I mean splitting my skull open with a rusty saw. We got back to Toronto on Friday and for 24 hours, Ben did not stop fussing. Sometimes you could circumvent the full-on melt down with the soother but not always. Sometimes he would scream while he was eating, while he was burping, while he was pooping. I bet you didn't know a baby could scream and eat at the same time but they can. It's a miracle of nature.

Often the baby swing works, which is such a blessing. We call the baby swing "stage one intervention" and baby swing plus soother "stage two intervention." When stage two intervention fails, look out, cause if that doesn't work, nothing will. When it didn't work yesterday, I just cried and cried. Mark took the baby - Mark has not cried since the baby was born, he is amazing - and I felt like an idiot for not being able to hack it. People tell me this will get easier and pre-hospital it felt like it was for a little bit. But this just feels like that first hellish week. I'm crossing my fingers Ben will settle back into his routine. Say a prayer for me, people.

Scary times

So as some of you may know, Ben was in the hospital this week. Last weekend he spiked a fever and our midwife sent us off to London to the hospital. Because of Ben's age, he was automatically admitted and a bunch of tests had to be done. In the end he was fine and likely we could have stayed home and given him tylenol for a couple of days with the same outcome but better safe than sorry. I have to tell you though, the whole experience gave me a new appreciation of parents of sick children. It's hard being in that hospital. It's a lovely hospital and it has all kinds of murals and toys and mobiles but it all kind of reminds you that it's a place for children and they are there because they're sick. Every time I left the hospital and came back, I had kind of a sinking feeling as I approached the hospital. It's just a sad place.

There was a sweet little baby in the room next to us that Mark and I wanted to kidnap and take home. For whatever reason, her parents were only there a few hour over the four days that we were there. And she had this pitiful little cry (not like Ben's lusty wail - he was easily the loudest baby on the ward. You know those are my genes coming back to bite me in the ass!) and when she was upset, it wouldn't get louder, just deeper and more insistent. And the nurses would come and cuddle her when they could but most she was in her crib or in her little vibrating chair. We'd see her sitting in it, feeding tube in her nose and little mittens on her hands, staring at the mobile. Sweet little thing. She didn't look much older than Ben. I also met a man in the elevator who was here from Nova Scotia waiting for an organ transplant for his baby girl. Made me realize that a fever and heart murmur are not so bad.

The nurses were so amazing. They took such good care of us and of Ben. In terms of the care we received, it was a really really great experience. But it was weird coming home. I kind of had the feeling that while we were in the hospital we just stepped out of time and that life everywhere else had just paused. When we got back to the cottage, it kind of felt like it should still be Saturday night instead of Tuesday night. The best part is that Ben seems to have settled back in his routine fairly well. While he was sick in the hospital, he wouldn't fall asleep without a soother, being in the swing, or both. And I had to stand by him and keep a finger on the soother so it wouldn't' fall out until he was in a good sleep, usually 20 minutes or so. You better believe I was not wanting this to be our regular routine. But since he's been home he's only needed the soother during his nightly fussy time and has gone down just like he used to when it's time for sleep. So cross your fingers for me that this continues.

Anyway, this parenting gig is hard hard work. Between the early fatigue, the depression, and this blip, I feel like I haven't had much chance to enjoy Ben. I'm looking forward to a few weeks of healthy baby and healthy mom where we can just love each other without any drama. I don't know if that's a totally naive statement or not but it's the wish of my heart these days.

One month down....

Well, our little Benjamuffin is one month old today. We're at my parents' cottage, which is where I went into labour. A couple of days ago I was looking at the full moon and remembering my water breaking and all the excitement that ensued. It seems like it was a year ago. I think that this has been the longest month of my life. I have never known time to move so slow, cried so many tears, had so many doubts, and just generally felt in so much upheaval. But things are definitely getting better and I'm starting to see how, a few months down the line, I might really dig this whole parenthood thing.

Ben is growing like crazy. He is so big now that he's busting out of his 0-3 month sleepers. Nuts! And he's losing that newborn look and is turning into a beautiful beautiful baby. He still eats every three hours - for those of you not up on baby lingo that means from the start of one feeding to the start of the next. Since it takes an hour to feed him, it means only two hours between feedings. I'm trying to resign myself to the fact that this may be his feeding pattern for the next few months but Mark and I are both secretly dreaming of the night he sleeps 6 hours. They say it could happen any time between now and the six month mark. I love a nice vague timeframe.



Ben has unfortunately developed some digestive upset of late - lots of fussing (read: screaming) during the evenings. We've been trying different formulas and so far no real luck. I think it just may be one of those things. But he's a good little baby and so far (knock on wood) isn't screaming during the night so it could be a lot worse.

Ben also brings much humour and joy to our day. He makes the most amazing array of noises - grunts, moans, whimpers, shouts, and odd alien-like sounds - think the movie Gremlins. He's very alert now and likes to stare around with his big eyes. He likes to play with Daddy - tracking objects and reaching for things - but with me he's mostly a lump. But he soothes easier for me. So even though Mark and I have shared the load 50-50 since his birth, Daddy is still the playmate and Mommy the comforter. I'm hoping that will change - I want to play too!

Ben's sweet little head kills me. When he's hungry and you hold him on your shoulder, it bobs all around trying to find something to latch onto. It's just so precious I can't stand it. And he has soft little baby hair that I like to rub my cheek against. He also still curls his legs up fetus style when he sleeps against your body so his little bum just fits right in your hand. I love to hold him like this, sweet little lump. Ben is also so cute in the bath. He loves baths and just floats all boneless is the warm water. Because I'm not used to boys, it makes me laugh to see his wee little boy parts floating in the water - tiny little wiener! He hardly squawks while we wash him though he's not too fond of the part where we take him out. But we dry him off and lie him in the sunshine if there is any and he loves the sun on his skin. We let him get some naked time and get some air on his bum before bundling him back up. It's a lovely experience.



I can't wait until he can smile and interact. Right now it's hard to capture his attention and I'm just itching to play with him for real. We bought a new mobile for him and might try moving him from his bassinet to his crib upon our return to Toronto. Hopefully he's find it engaging enough at first to tolerate the crib. We shall see.

I am also doing much better. I think I have left my postpartum depression behind me and now am just struggling with the regular new parent stuff. Still hard, still want to cry some days, but those feelings of despair and regret are gone and I'm starting to really get attached to my little man. Which is awesome. I look forward to that feeling growing.

November, finally!

So I'm feeling really positive that it's November. October has been such a crazy month - highs and lows like nothing ever before. Somehow seeing the calendar page turn feels like a major accomplishment. We survived. I was a little sad because I feel like I kind of missed out on Halloween. Usually I put up all my decorations, wander the neighbourhoods watching everyone setting out pumpkins and decorating their porches and then wander around on Halloween night and check out all the little ones in their costumes. And of course eat lots of candy. But this year, in the haze of post-partum life, it all just kind of blew by without much notice. I went for a total of two walks in the neighbourhood and ended up being too tired to go out on Halloween night. And too tired to really care too much.

But I am feeling excited for Christmas, which also makes me more excited for November. Ben will be 2.5 months when Christmas rolls around and we'll have survived the worst of the early weeks (everyone tells us 3 months is the magic mark). Plus I'm just feeling homey and sentimental. My sisters are going away to Costa Rica for Christmas so it won't be our usual traditional Christmas but I'm okay with that. I feel like there will be a little less pressure and that's a good thing this time around. So my parents will come into the city or maybe we'll go to the cottage but it will all just be low key. And that's just fine.

It's fun to think about starting traditions with Ben. I was thinking about the Santa Claus Parade, which we always watched on tv but if we stay in Toronto, Ben can see it live. Provided we all feel like standing outside for HOURS that is. And I have to make him his own Ross family stocking. It will be so great in a couple of years when he really understands Christmas and Santa and all the magic that it holds for little ones. It's far away still but it's nice to think about. And nice for me to finally feel excited about my son instead of just crying! :)