So a couple nights ago I was seized with the overwhelming desire to toss all forms of birth control out the window and get pregnant as soon as possible. Woo hoo! But then I realized (with the help of my husband) that there are many things we must do before getting pregnant. Here are 25 things I MUST do (according to the experts) before I get pregnant:
1) I must go off my anti-depressant medication
2) I must have a physical, likely followed by a round of antibiotics as I always seem to have a mild UTI, which is linked to miscarriage
3) Add more calcium and B-vitamins to my daily prenatal vitamin
4) I must lose 80 pounds
5) I must rid myself of all cosmetic products, shampoos, Saran Wrap and soft plastic items which contain phthalates which cause genital abnormalities in the male fetus
6) I must purge my house of all tuna products and soft cheeses
7) I must (somehow) determine whether my vinyl lunchbag is the kind that contains lead or that doesn't contain lead and if so, find a new one
8) I must train my dog to do a "down-stay" as well as play him a CD of baby crying and screaming sounds for him to get used to
9) I must take out a massive student line of credit to cover unexpected costs
10) I must get a flu shot
11) I must engage in daily relaxation exercises to ensure that my stress levels don't reduce my fertility
12) I must switch to organic everything in order to cleanse myself of pesticides that can harm my baby
13) I must develop methods for relieving headaches that don't involve Advil or Asprin (impossible, as am convinced that Tylenol is a sugar pill)
14) I must engage in a range of squats, pelvic tilts and abdominal and kegel exercises to ensure efficient birthing process
15) I must compile list of midwives as you cannot make an appointment before you are pregnant but by the time you find out you are pregnant (two weeks after conception), their waitlist will be too long to accommodate you
16) I must sit down with my husband for long, protracted discussion of our own childhoods and how our experiences may be influencing our attitudes towards parenthood
17) I must have sex in every place imaginable while I still can
18) I must kick my decades long diet coke habit
19) I must limit my time in front of the computer (ack!) because of the radiation from the screen
20) I must get a dental check up as gum disease is linked to miscarriage
21) I must take a lavish vacation with my husband as a last hurrah before children
22) I must chart my basal body temperature to determine my ovulation cycle
23) I must figure out how to tell "egg-white" cervical mucus from other kinds and when my cervix feels more like my nose or like my lips (I'm serious)
24) I must adjust to lukewarm showers as hot showers can raise the body temperature which can be harmful to the fetus
and last but not least
25) I must determine solar flare activity for the upcoming year as solar flares increase the general level of radiation experienced on the earth, which may harm my fetus
Yeah, guess we won't be chucking the condoms quite yet
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Sunday, October 16, 2005
One step closer to parenthood
So I was reading Dooce.com the other day and was reading her old back entries on when she was pregnant (since I am obsessed with getting pregnant next year and dooce always tells it like it is, I thought she'd provide a good sense of what pregnancy is like). She had a post about her dog throwing up and how cleaning up his vomit made her feel a little more parental. I had a similar moment yesterday.
As you may know, Buddy is a lousy player. We take him to the park where all the other dogs are running around. We take off his leash with a flourish, crying aloud "Run free, little doggin. Run free!" At which point he either dashes off after a squirrel not to be seen again for an hour (very, very bad) or he finds the nearest piece of garbage at eat it. Dogs will run up to him and he will ignore them. They are practically inhaling his penis they are sniffing so much, and he just acts like no one is there.
Anyway, we got sick of chasing after him when he was squirrel hunting so, for his off-leash time, we've been mostly taking him to a small park across the street where there are few squirrels. So, since there are no squirrels, he's been eating a lot more garbage. And I know what you're thinking - "Why don't you stop him from eating the garbage?" Because he's sly, that's why. He'll pretend like he's just sniffing around for a place to pee and then he'll scoop up some bit of something and turn his head away and act like he's still sniffing around until he's swallowed it. And this happens every three feet or so. It's a constant battle. Lately his favourite garbage has been little circular pieces of cardboard that seem to be shaker tops (why are these in the park every day?) and folded up pieces of cardboard about an inch square (still a mystery what these are). He's been eating these as much as he can for at least a month with no problems. Until last night.
Just before his nighttime pee, Buddy let out a huge burp and then barfed twice on our floor. This was shocking because Buddy has only barfed once in the year and half that we've had him and then he was very sick. Anyway, there were little brown squares in his barf that were either little ribette bones or this cardboard paper. And because I am a doggy parent, I did what any good doggy parent would do - I picked one up out of the puddle of vomit to determine what it was (it was cardboard). Then I wiped off his mouth and cleaned up the vomit puddles and fussed over him when he got back from peeing. And it's true what dooce said - it's not the same as parenthood, but it made me feel a little bit more like a real parent. Plus, dog barf isn't nearly as gross as people barf so it's not so traumatic - a good warm-up exercise for parenthood. :)
As you may know, Buddy is a lousy player. We take him to the park where all the other dogs are running around. We take off his leash with a flourish, crying aloud "Run free, little doggin. Run free!" At which point he either dashes off after a squirrel not to be seen again for an hour (very, very bad) or he finds the nearest piece of garbage at eat it. Dogs will run up to him and he will ignore them. They are practically inhaling his penis they are sniffing so much, and he just acts like no one is there.
Anyway, we got sick of chasing after him when he was squirrel hunting so, for his off-leash time, we've been mostly taking him to a small park across the street where there are few squirrels. So, since there are no squirrels, he's been eating a lot more garbage. And I know what you're thinking - "Why don't you stop him from eating the garbage?" Because he's sly, that's why. He'll pretend like he's just sniffing around for a place to pee and then he'll scoop up some bit of something and turn his head away and act like he's still sniffing around until he's swallowed it. And this happens every three feet or so. It's a constant battle. Lately his favourite garbage has been little circular pieces of cardboard that seem to be shaker tops (why are these in the park every day?) and folded up pieces of cardboard about an inch square (still a mystery what these are). He's been eating these as much as he can for at least a month with no problems. Until last night.
Just before his nighttime pee, Buddy let out a huge burp and then barfed twice on our floor. This was shocking because Buddy has only barfed once in the year and half that we've had him and then he was very sick. Anyway, there were little brown squares in his barf that were either little ribette bones or this cardboard paper. And because I am a doggy parent, I did what any good doggy parent would do - I picked one up out of the puddle of vomit to determine what it was (it was cardboard). Then I wiped off his mouth and cleaned up the vomit puddles and fussed over him when he got back from peeing. And it's true what dooce said - it's not the same as parenthood, but it made me feel a little bit more like a real parent. Plus, dog barf isn't nearly as gross as people barf so it's not so traumatic - a good warm-up exercise for parenthood. :)
Monday, October 10, 2005
I am the queen of organization
So for the last month, this piece of paper has been serving double duty as both my mousepad and my notepad for all of the crazy informaiton I needed to do my comprehensive exam (still no official word) and my scholarship applications. Now that it's all over, I want to throw it out but first I have to transfer all of this info to the relevant files. And for those of you wonder what NKOTBLRICTWGCIWAR stands for it's "NewKids on the Block. Let's rock! It's Christmas time, we're gonna celebrate it with a rhyme." Don't ask.
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