Wireless drama

So, we are finally moved and in our new house, which is awesome. We're still renting but it feels much more like a home than our apartment did. And it actually costs $50 less a month than our apartment so it's a good deal all around. The movers were a little crazy but it was the first move that we didn't do ourselves so we have decided to overlook the fact that they scratched our table and that our brand new microwave doesn't work quite as well as it did before. This last weekend we got the last of our stuff out of the apartment - there was quite a bit - and Mark is handing in the keys today. So we are officially moved.

As part of the move, I've been excited to set up wireless internet in our new place. Being in a highrise on the 20th floor, there was too much signal congestion at our old place. But ack, what a headache. Largely because of stupid Bell. They always seem to suck so much. I've been on the phone with the help desk on and off all week and each time there advice is less helpful than the last. They don't seem to understand that I want a wireless connection and keep making all these fixes that require the computer is hardwired to the modem. Which doesn't work as there is no phone jack near my desk in this place and there are only a few ways to arrange the furniture here, none of which bring the desk any closer to the phone jack. Anyway, I finally stopped listening and muddled around myself and think I have it figured out. We shall see.

The place, however, is awesome. Buddy is loving it too. He has a backyard which is small but big enough for a game of fetch and squirrel watching. And he can sit in front of the back window all he wants and gaze out. Plus there are now two levels to our little home which means he can get away from Ben if he wants to. Poor Buddy was so excited when we moved in. Ben spent the day at my sister's and didn't come home until 9:00. I think Buddy had thought we were leaving Ben behind. He ran around all happy and crazy and then when Ben arrived he sulked off to his dog bed and stared at us with hound dog eyes for the next day and a half. I tell you, it's a tough life for a dog! :)

Smiling Ben

So for a while now Ben has been smiling and laughing. And we have been failing to catch it on film. Part of the problem is that Ben doesn't like having his picture taken so you only get a couple of chances before he stops smiling. Here is our last attempt.

New Year, New Look

So after not having posted in forever, I signed in to discover that Blogger has set up lots of new features, allowing you to customize your blog. And for hapless computer users like me who haven't been able to figure out how to do it on their own, they've included new features to upload links and photos. And so I have.

I love the photos in the sidebar. I know that it's not a very good picture of me but I have very few pictures of me in which I don't have a giant head, terrible skin, or a stupid expression on my face. But to make up for it, I've put a fantastic picture of Mark with Ben where Ben's Buddha belly is fully on display and an ever so cute shot of Ben on his playmat.

And I've included links to some of my favourite websites as well as my sister's blog, Everything Is A Spoon. Check it out. I feel so blog powerful, as if I can now share my vast wealth of internet knowledge with you all. God bless the point and click interface system (see that, "interface system", someone who knew about computers would not use those words. I hang my head in techno-idiot shame.)

New year, same vices

So happy new year blog people! I'm totally vibing on 2007 because 2, 5, and 7 are my favourite numbers and it has 2 of them and since I won't do much better than this until 2025, 2027, or if I'm really lucky, 2057, I'm going to take it! Huzzah! Mark and I had a very exciting new year's eve in which he went to bed at 10:15 and I just coming in from peeing Buddy when I heard the shouting outside and guessed it must be midnight. However, we did (wait for it) order pizza, so it wasn't all a bust.

I'm usually all about resolutions this time of year. I love the fresh start of January. I like to get all of my Christmas decorations away by January 2 and feel the newness of the year, the blank slate. Cheezy, I know, but I dig it. This year, however, time has lost all meaning and I'm not quite getting my fresh start feelings. Which might explain why I've been on a bit of a spending binge. Not huge. But I bought a couple of cd's for Ben (Sharon Lois and Bram), yet another book on infant sleep despite the fact that the last 5 I've bought haven't enabled me to make Ben sleep through the night, new baby gear, and I've even put in a ridiculously high bid on one of my favourite childhood toys on ebay. Oh, and I'm trying to pick out which video editing software I want to buy.

Now in fairness to me, some of these things were purchased with gift certificates but still, it's not good. I am, to say the least, a self-soothing shopper and this latest jag is all a by-product of the adjustment to my new life as a parent. But dear lord. I's just not good. Not good at all. But I do really really want that toy. I'll find out tomorrow if my bid has stood up or not. It would probably be best if it didn't but oh I hope it did!

Feeling tired

So it's been a long time since I posted. In part, this is because I was determined not to post again until I could find something other than Ben to post about. It's been a while since I had a good feminist rant or mocked popular culture or argued with stupid anonymous comment-leavers. But alas, my life these days is ever so small. Ever so small. Ben is pretty much all I have to talk about. Last month, I got some pictures printed from my digital camera for the first time ever. I've had the camera for over two years. I told everyone I knew about this ad nauseum for weeks. I forced everyone to look at the pictures over and over and over and had a general feeling of pride and accomplishment that rivaled finishing my master's thesis. Because I had done something. I had a product to show for it.

Ben's first Christmas was lovely. Even though my sisters are in Costa Rica, my parents and Mark and I had a lovely day. Ben was charming all day long and then had a full colic meltdown right as Christmas dinner hit the table. Which was actually a good thing because my mom confessed to me later that she thought we had been exaggerating the volume of Ben's screaming, the length of his screaming sessions, and the way nothing worked to calm him (Dr. Karp's five s's sadly do not work with this "new colic" that started a couple of weeks ago. Apparently what came before was just pre-colic, a warm-up if you will, to the real thing). We tired all the usual things - swaddling, rocking, swing, naked time, bath, new clothes, more clothes, less clothes, fresh diaper. Nothing. But eventually he just had enough and turned into a cooing darling just in time to say good night to my parents. Little monkey.

Ben has also started waking up every hour at night wanting to be held for a couple of minutes. He doesn't need much, maybe 5 minutes of attention, and then he's back to sleep. I am not so lucky however and have gone from sleeping seven hours a night (with one small break in the middle for the 2:30 feed) to 4 hours a night and it's killing me! Ahhhh. Starting to relive the horror of those early weeks.

But on a brighter note, Ben rolled over for the first time. My awesome little guy. Anyway, that's my post. All about Ben because nothing else ever happens. Ever.

Losing the joy

So I have to confess that I watch a lot of soap operas. This started in grade 6 or 7 when I watched Y and R for a few years. I then moved on to Days of Our Lives and I watched Days pretty faithfully for a good 10 or 15 years. My mom started watching Days when my older sister was born and it was our family soap. We used to set the VCR to tape it and then all watch it together after school. And let me tell you, the late 80's to mid-90's, those were the glory years of Days. Hope getting blown up over a vat of acid, John is Roman is John is Father John is Forrest Allamaine, Vivian burying Carly alive in the condo coffin, and of course, the ultimate, Marlena's possession by the devil. We would watch together and howl.

When I went to university, watching Days became a great way to meet people. Everyone who watched would gather in the common room at 1:00 every day. You had an instant conversation because you could talk about how awful the show was and laugh at all the actor's and reminisce about past plot lines. I know it sounds lame but it was a great way to meet people. My university roommate also got me watching General Hospital so I expanded my soap repertoire a little. Eventually even the guys got into it and would watch Days even when us girls weren't there.

I still tune into soaps. I can't pretend I don't because my husband will rat me out. Just from living with me, he knows the name of everyone on Days, half the people on General Hospital and does a wicked John Black impression. But I have to say, watching soaps by yourself just isn't that interesting. Half of the fun is making fun of them and you just can't really get the full effect alone. As well, when you don't watch every day, you just don't care very much about what's happening and if you don't care, soaps become very very dull very quickly. Lastly, I swear the soaps just aren't as good any more. I don't know if it's me or if it's just that soaps don't really work on a pop-cultural level anymore but they are just so boring and so lame.

Which is sad because catching up on soaps was one of the things I was looking forward to with the whole maternity leave thing. Oh well, at least there's still Family Feud to fulfill my shitty tv hankerings!

Oh Dr. Karp, you are a god here on earth

So first off, an update on the screaming. My friend Melanie, Hi Mel, told me that her sister has had good luck with calming her newborn using the techniques in Happiest Baby on the Block. I had read this book months ago and used some of the techniques but as the author, Dr. Karp, tells us, you must use all 5 of his calming techniques together for maximum effect. So last night we did them all - swaddle, side-lie, suck, shoosh and swing and lo, the screaming stopped. We then put Ben to bed swaddled and he slept for three hours! This was an hour more than his usual stretches so we were very excited. We also tried to provide some white noise with a radio turned on dead air but there really isn't such a thing as dead air in this city so music and weird tones kept breaking through. But I just downloaded some womb sounds so we'll try that tonight.

The second big news is that we took Ben in for his 6-week check up and he weighs 13 pounds. 13 pounds! This is enormo giant baby! But the midwife said still in the normal range. So hah! It wasn't just that he was big for his age in the womb, he's big for his age out here in the world too. Anyway, he is gaining weight faster than I can grow the muscles to lift him so my poor back is getting quite a workout these days. But Mark and I are getting more competent. We are now awesome at the bathing thing, I can cut his wee little fingernails like a pro, and we can both change a diaper in no time flat. We finally tracked down glass bottles so even though I'm not breastfeeding, I can still be a little bit earth-mothery. And now that we have a trick for the screaming, why, it's almost bearable!

But it's still very very hard. We're still counting down the days to three months, to six months, to kindergarten. But the thought of a second child doesn't make me want to cut out my reproductive organs with a rusty spoon anymore so things must be getting better. And this morning, Ben even cood at us and smiled at the pretty, pretty light coming through the window. And I started to have that feeling again, like I can see how this parenthood thing might be a good thing. :)

God bless the baby swing

Ben has been crying. And by crying I mean screaming. And by screaming I mean splitting my skull open with a rusty saw. We got back to Toronto on Friday and for 24 hours, Ben did not stop fussing. Sometimes you could circumvent the full-on melt down with the soother but not always. Sometimes he would scream while he was eating, while he was burping, while he was pooping. I bet you didn't know a baby could scream and eat at the same time but they can. It's a miracle of nature.

Often the baby swing works, which is such a blessing. We call the baby swing "stage one intervention" and baby swing plus soother "stage two intervention." When stage two intervention fails, look out, cause if that doesn't work, nothing will. When it didn't work yesterday, I just cried and cried. Mark took the baby - Mark has not cried since the baby was born, he is amazing - and I felt like an idiot for not being able to hack it. People tell me this will get easier and pre-hospital it felt like it was for a little bit. But this just feels like that first hellish week. I'm crossing my fingers Ben will settle back into his routine. Say a prayer for me, people.

Scary times

So as some of you may know, Ben was in the hospital this week. Last weekend he spiked a fever and our midwife sent us off to London to the hospital. Because of Ben's age, he was automatically admitted and a bunch of tests had to be done. In the end he was fine and likely we could have stayed home and given him tylenol for a couple of days with the same outcome but better safe than sorry. I have to tell you though, the whole experience gave me a new appreciation of parents of sick children. It's hard being in that hospital. It's a lovely hospital and it has all kinds of murals and toys and mobiles but it all kind of reminds you that it's a place for children and they are there because they're sick. Every time I left the hospital and came back, I had kind of a sinking feeling as I approached the hospital. It's just a sad place.

There was a sweet little baby in the room next to us that Mark and I wanted to kidnap and take home. For whatever reason, her parents were only there a few hour over the four days that we were there. And she had this pitiful little cry (not like Ben's lusty wail - he was easily the loudest baby on the ward. You know those are my genes coming back to bite me in the ass!) and when she was upset, it wouldn't get louder, just deeper and more insistent. And the nurses would come and cuddle her when they could but most she was in her crib or in her little vibrating chair. We'd see her sitting in it, feeding tube in her nose and little mittens on her hands, staring at the mobile. Sweet little thing. She didn't look much older than Ben. I also met a man in the elevator who was here from Nova Scotia waiting for an organ transplant for his baby girl. Made me realize that a fever and heart murmur are not so bad.

The nurses were so amazing. They took such good care of us and of Ben. In terms of the care we received, it was a really really great experience. But it was weird coming home. I kind of had the feeling that while we were in the hospital we just stepped out of time and that life everywhere else had just paused. When we got back to the cottage, it kind of felt like it should still be Saturday night instead of Tuesday night. The best part is that Ben seems to have settled back in his routine fairly well. While he was sick in the hospital, he wouldn't fall asleep without a soother, being in the swing, or both. And I had to stand by him and keep a finger on the soother so it wouldn't' fall out until he was in a good sleep, usually 20 minutes or so. You better believe I was not wanting this to be our regular routine. But since he's been home he's only needed the soother during his nightly fussy time and has gone down just like he used to when it's time for sleep. So cross your fingers for me that this continues.

Anyway, this parenting gig is hard hard work. Between the early fatigue, the depression, and this blip, I feel like I haven't had much chance to enjoy Ben. I'm looking forward to a few weeks of healthy baby and healthy mom where we can just love each other without any drama. I don't know if that's a totally naive statement or not but it's the wish of my heart these days.

One month down....

Well, our little Benjamuffin is one month old today. We're at my parents' cottage, which is where I went into labour. A couple of days ago I was looking at the full moon and remembering my water breaking and all the excitement that ensued. It seems like it was a year ago. I think that this has been the longest month of my life. I have never known time to move so slow, cried so many tears, had so many doubts, and just generally felt in so much upheaval. But things are definitely getting better and I'm starting to see how, a few months down the line, I might really dig this whole parenthood thing.

Ben is growing like crazy. He is so big now that he's busting out of his 0-3 month sleepers. Nuts! And he's losing that newborn look and is turning into a beautiful beautiful baby. He still eats every three hours - for those of you not up on baby lingo that means from the start of one feeding to the start of the next. Since it takes an hour to feed him, it means only two hours between feedings. I'm trying to resign myself to the fact that this may be his feeding pattern for the next few months but Mark and I are both secretly dreaming of the night he sleeps 6 hours. They say it could happen any time between now and the six month mark. I love a nice vague timeframe.



Ben has unfortunately developed some digestive upset of late - lots of fussing (read: screaming) during the evenings. We've been trying different formulas and so far no real luck. I think it just may be one of those things. But he's a good little baby and so far (knock on wood) isn't screaming during the night so it could be a lot worse.

Ben also brings much humour and joy to our day. He makes the most amazing array of noises - grunts, moans, whimpers, shouts, and odd alien-like sounds - think the movie Gremlins. He's very alert now and likes to stare around with his big eyes. He likes to play with Daddy - tracking objects and reaching for things - but with me he's mostly a lump. But he soothes easier for me. So even though Mark and I have shared the load 50-50 since his birth, Daddy is still the playmate and Mommy the comforter. I'm hoping that will change - I want to play too!

Ben's sweet little head kills me. When he's hungry and you hold him on your shoulder, it bobs all around trying to find something to latch onto. It's just so precious I can't stand it. And he has soft little baby hair that I like to rub my cheek against. He also still curls his legs up fetus style when he sleeps against your body so his little bum just fits right in your hand. I love to hold him like this, sweet little lump. Ben is also so cute in the bath. He loves baths and just floats all boneless is the warm water. Because I'm not used to boys, it makes me laugh to see his wee little boy parts floating in the water - tiny little wiener! He hardly squawks while we wash him though he's not too fond of the part where we take him out. But we dry him off and lie him in the sunshine if there is any and he loves the sun on his skin. We let him get some naked time and get some air on his bum before bundling him back up. It's a lovely experience.



I can't wait until he can smile and interact. Right now it's hard to capture his attention and I'm just itching to play with him for real. We bought a new mobile for him and might try moving him from his bassinet to his crib upon our return to Toronto. Hopefully he's find it engaging enough at first to tolerate the crib. We shall see.

I am also doing much better. I think I have left my postpartum depression behind me and now am just struggling with the regular new parent stuff. Still hard, still want to cry some days, but those feelings of despair and regret are gone and I'm starting to really get attached to my little man. Which is awesome. I look forward to that feeling growing.

November, finally!

So I'm feeling really positive that it's November. October has been such a crazy month - highs and lows like nothing ever before. Somehow seeing the calendar page turn feels like a major accomplishment. We survived. I was a little sad because I feel like I kind of missed out on Halloween. Usually I put up all my decorations, wander the neighbourhoods watching everyone setting out pumpkins and decorating their porches and then wander around on Halloween night and check out all the little ones in their costumes. And of course eat lots of candy. But this year, in the haze of post-partum life, it all just kind of blew by without much notice. I went for a total of two walks in the neighbourhood and ended up being too tired to go out on Halloween night. And too tired to really care too much.

But I am feeling excited for Christmas, which also makes me more excited for November. Ben will be 2.5 months when Christmas rolls around and we'll have survived the worst of the early weeks (everyone tells us 3 months is the magic mark). Plus I'm just feeling homey and sentimental. My sisters are going away to Costa Rica for Christmas so it won't be our usual traditional Christmas but I'm okay with that. I feel like there will be a little less pressure and that's a good thing this time around. So my parents will come into the city or maybe we'll go to the cottage but it will all just be low key. And that's just fine.

It's fun to think about starting traditions with Ben. I was thinking about the Santa Claus Parade, which we always watched on tv but if we stay in Toronto, Ben can see it live. Provided we all feel like standing outside for HOURS that is. And I have to make him his own Ross family stocking. It will be so great in a couple of years when he really understands Christmas and Santa and all the magic that it holds for little ones. It's far away still but it's nice to think about. And nice for me to finally feel excited about my son instead of just crying! :)

Erin + Mark = Ben

So it's been a long long long time since my last blog but boy do I have a good reason. I had a baby. A beautiful baby boy named Ben - I'll post photos soon but in the meantime you can see him at my sister's blog - www.everythingisaspoon.blogspot.com

The labour went better than I could have hoped for. I had the epidural and the rest of it really wasn't as hard as I had feared it would be. It's the since the labour part that's been hard. Really really really frickin hard. Way harder than I thought it would be. I got hit with the baby blues right away and then those lifted and I had two good days before post-partum depression hit. I didn't sleep for the first five days AT ALL. And little sleep since though the insane adrenalin high has ended. I've yet to have a day without tears though the anti-depressants mean I'm no longer crying all day long. I think I've cried more since Ben has been born than I have in my entire life up to that point.

And I had to abandon breast feeding, which was very hard. I never thought I wouldn't be able to handle it but I just couldn't. It was at the point where every couple of hours I fed Ben but other than that I didn't want to hold him or look at him and every time he made a noise I just cringed. Since starting bottle feeding, this has improved but the bonding process has still be disappointingly slow. I know that it takes up to a couple of months for lots of women to feel totally in love with their babies but for some reason, I thought I'd be one of the ones who fell in love the first day. It's been hard being patient and keeping faith that in a few more weeks our little family will feel like the dream I always wanted.

All that grousing aside, Ben is a great baby. He is healthy, pretty content, a minimal screamer and he goes down to sleep at night pretty well. I'm just crossing my fingers none of this changes. He's growing like a weed and his face changes almost daily. He's already outgrown two of his sleepers. Tomorrow was his original due date - he currently weighs 8 pounds 12 ounces so he would have been a big big baby. I'm extra glad he came early.

Anyway, I will endeavor to post more as I start to feel better but make no promises. And soon I'll stop Suri-Cruising him and let people come and visit! :)

Comatose dog, comatose mom

So I'm a little nervous. Our last ultrasound guesstimated the baby would be 8.5-9 pounds, if he arrives on time. That's a big baby to have to push out. I'm also a little nervous because these last few weeks home with Buddy have made me realize something - I hate sitting home alone. I am so bored. My mood is starting to plummet, my energy is gone. I have work that I could be doing but the thought of doing academic writing is really no more exciting than the reruns of 90210 I could be watching. I think today Buddy's bladder is at the point where I could go out for a couple of hours, which I am SO looking forward to. But the whole experience has me more than a little nervous about what life at home with the baby is going to be like. Now mind you, I'm assuming the baby will be a little more engrossing than Buddy, who has taken to lying on the floor semi-comatose for up to three hours at a time. But still, I'm missing talking to people, the change of scenery, spending money!! I want to go downtown and toss my green paper around! I want to go out for lunch and converse with other human beings!!

Otherwise, all goes fine with the pregnancy. The little one is currently all smooshed up on the left side of my body so the left half of my stomach sticks out an inch farther than the right. It's pretty funny to look at actually. I alternate, sometimes very rapidly, between being in an absolute panic that I will be a parent in 6 weeks and wanting this kid out of me TODAY. Man, I'm going to eat so much sushi after little BenFinnCoen comes. I can't wait for some fresh yummy tuna roll!

Practice parenting

So our poor Buddy has developed a serious case of seasonal allergies. After several weeks of itching himself nuts and several visits to the vet, we finally got to the bottom of it. Poor little one was covered in scabs and sores from his constant scratching. Anyway, Buddy has been put on steroids and the itching virtually stopped overnight which is fantastic. The only downside is that he has to pee every 3 hours! We discovered this the first night when Buddy woke us up before 5 a.m. whining and then peed in the hallway. So now we get up a couple of times in the night to take him out. And during the day, he goes every couple of hours. And such monster pees. Sometimes he'll pee for almost a full minute (and that's usually in the afternoon only 1.5-2 hours after his last pee). The funniest part is that Buddy is as unhappy about having to go out so often as we are. We often have to coax him out with treats and happy voices. He'll glare at us and drag his feet but then he'll pee for 45 seconds - he must have wanted to go but you wouldn't guess if from his behaviour.

Anyway, everyone seems to think that this is good practice for parenting but I tend to differ. I mean, do you know any 7-month pregnant women who set their alarms for 3 a.m. to practice what it's like to get up in the middle of the night? Mostly I'm just irritated about losing my last few weeks of decent sleep! But I am encouraged at how I am holding up. Mark has his ups and downs, which isn't a surprise as he tends to wilt if he misses sleep several nights in a row. Overall, though, he's been awesome, especially considering he's working all day. And while I've had a couple of days with afternoon naps and one headache, mostly I've been holding up well. I'm just cranky and SO BORED!!! I can't really leave the house, since I'm taking Buddy out to pee every couple of hours. I've been finishing up my internship paperwork from home, watching a lot of tv, playing online, going for walks with Buddy when I'm not too exhausted, and generally just going stir-crazy. I'm realizing that I'm going to have to find a bunch of mommy and me type activities to take part in. I just am not an alone at home kind of girl.

Of course, things brings me face to face with the part of parenting I'm most stressed about - making friends with other parents. Over the past few years, I've discovered that while I'm good at socializing, I'm not so good at making friends. I go through phases of social anxiety and withdrawal as my depression waxes and wanes and generally don't feel as confident about meeting new people as I used to. But if I don't make friends with other parents, then I can't arrange play dates for my son and then he'll have no friends. No one to come to his little birthday parties, no one to play in the park with, no one to take cute playing in the sandbox pictures with. Not making it any easier is that all the parents in my neighbourhood are perfect thin, fashionable, rich parents or nannies. There don't seem to be many messy, regular type parents. But hopefully they'll turn up in some of these community classes. My sister suggested I check out Dufferin Grove park where more hippy parents hang out but we decided I couldn't show up there with my Bugaboo! lol We finally settled on Trinity Bellwoods - hip downtown parents, probably a little too cool for me but at least a little more messy.

Oh my aching ... something in my lower abdomen

So the baby has recently turned (yeah!). This is great news as it means that another obstacle to vaginal birth is out of the way (the first being the potential placenta previa). The only downside is that since turning, the baby has lodged himself against some organ or tissue or something in my lower abdomen and I now have stabbing pain when I roll over, stand, or walk. So if I sit or lay perfectly still, I'm okay but basically anything more than that and it HURTS! To date, the pregnancy has gone pretty smoothly so I really can't complain but I'm hoping the baby just shifts his weight or something because it really sucks. Plus Buddy is getting crappy walks because I can only shuffle along at the speed of a racing turtle. And I feel extra bad about this because Buddy is currently suffering from some allergies and spends his whole day itching and being miserable. Poor little guy.

The other baby development is that I found out today that I am "measuring large" and have to go in for an ultrasound to find out how big the baby actually is. This frightens me more than a little. Labour is scary enough imagining a 7 pound baby, never mind a 10 pound baby. But it makes me extra glad I didn't spend much money on newborn clothing. But hopefully the ultrasound will show a little wee baby that will slide through the birth canal just fine. I have to say though, I'm getting more than a little nervous about the whole labour thing. I mean, have you looked at how small a 10 cm opening is? I have a hard time imagining a baby, even a little small one fitting through a 10 cm opening. It's just not very big. Not very big at all...

The cervix is when you do the pushing, right?

So next week marks seven months pregnant. The end is in sight. And as we get closer to our big day, a lot more baby related things are happening. We continue to add to our nursery, having now bought a change table and heading out this weekend to get a glider. We also started prenatal classes. This has been a frightening experience, let me tell you. Now I know that not everyone is as neurotic as I am. I know many women do not run out and buy every pregnancy book on the market as soon as they start thinking about getting pregnant. Many women do not even bother with this once they are pregnant. Many women do not belong to 7 different baby sites and do not have stacks of pregnancy magazines. But surely, surely people come across an itsy bitsy bit of information somewhere on their nine month journey. Sadly, most of these people are not in our prenatal class.

There have been many fine, informed, thoughtful questions, such as:
** Why is the baby blue when it comes out? Aren't they supposed to be flesh coloured?
** The woman in the video was squatting when she gave birth to the baby. Can you do that? Why would you do that? Do you have to arrange that with your doctor ahead of time?
** What do you mean by "waste products" in the bloodstream?

There is also the woman who confused the definition of the cervix with the definition of stage two labour, the one who "doesn't believe" in diaper rash, and the guy who was amazed when his friend had a caesarian and was conscious the next day (I think he expected her to be in a coma).

And then there's our labour nurse instructor (who teaches the course continuously throughout the year and has been for several years) who says such fabulous things as:

** Where is Edmonton anyway? Is that in Manitoba?
** I don't know that rate of caesarians/epidurals/episiotomies for this hospital even though I work here.
** I don't actually know much about pain relief medications used in labour. I didn't do so well on this part in school.
** You'll have to ask your doctor about that.
** I was asked to leave the room while a patient was having an epidural because I was stressing her out so much.

Anyway, after getting the hospital tour and finding out what happens to our baby after birth, Mark and I decided that we had had enough and aren't going back to our last class. We're just going to wing it on the missing elements. But we did meet one nice couple and exchange emails so maybe I'll have a pregnancy buddy.

I've also been enjoying a pleasant amount of sharp, intense back pain that radiates down to my butt. I think this was brought on by a lot of driving over the course of a few days followed by hours sitting in my computer or therapy chair. Needless to say I am looking forward to my internship ending next week so I can rest my body a little. But there's also been lots of fun stuff. My belly has grown huge and the baby is kicking constantly. He's like a little companion that talks to me all day through morse code. I'm getting very anxious to meet him. I didn't really enjoy the first five months of pregnancy but have been liking this later part a lot more. Still, it's the baby I'm after. October can't come fast enough.

One step closer

So Mark and I went shopping this weekend and I finally got to buy something for the baby!! Those of you who have heard my constant whining will know that I've been waiting since before the pregnancy test came back positive to buy things for the baby. In fact, I had a secret drawer full of baby toys for the last year that only my sister Kelly knew about until very recently. But mostly I have only bought a few onesies and a mini-mobile. So this weekend we bought real things for the baby. We got this beautiful crib and an awesome swing for the baby, both second hand. We are feeling very good about our awesome second-hand savvy. We were all set to buy everything brand new but honestly, some of it, there's just no point. It reminds me a lot of our wedding - things are overpriced just because people are spending emotionally.

Anyway, it took the entire long weekend to change my messy, dirty, cluttered office into the baby's room. There's still a few things in there to go and a few things to add but the basic shape of the room is there, which is very exciting. I even got to take some of the toys out of the drawer and put them on the bookshelf. Honestly, it was all I could do not to run out and buy everything we need for the baby RIGHT AWAY, it just felt so good to do some actual baby planning. Plus, we got stacks and stacks of old papers out of the corners and into the recycling bin - Mark is excited to actually see the floor in that room for the first time in over a year. I feel a little more wary of where all the new papers will go now that I've lost my study... :)

Not looking for a peanut gallery

Well, I have decided to turn off the comments option on my blog. For a while I was being irritated by this person who kept arguing with my interpretations of sexism in the world at large. And that is this person's prerogative but it is my prerogative not to engage in such conversations on my blog. I have to defend myself enough in real life, I have no patience for doing it on my blog. And I just don't get people who find blogs that piss them off and read them and argue with the author. Just move on to the next blog if you don't like it. I don't spend my time reading ultra-conservative blogs and writing scathing comments. If you don't like my politics, don't read my blog. Simple. Plus it pisses me off because the people leaving these sorts of comments always do it anonymously. So irritating. Let me see your name so I can go to your blog and see what it is you believe in.

Anyway, after that I moved comments onto moderation, which allowed me to preview them before allowing them to appear on my blog. And it's been quiet for a while so I turned moderation off, thinking that it would be okay. And within three days I got a snotty comment, anonymously posted of course. So I've just turned them off altogether. If you want to leave comments, let me know, and I'll put you on my allowed commentators list. Otherwise, you'll just have to keep your witty responses to yourself.

In other news, poor Buddy got stung by a bee. It was the first time he's ever been stung. He was walking through some longish grass and a bee got caught up in his leg fur. He got stung on his ankle. Of course he promptly ate the bee and then pulled out all the hair around the sting so that he has a little bald patch. But he wasn't allergic and recovered within a few minutes. But I was having a very stressful couple of days and it was just one too many things for me to be able to handle and I had a little bit of a meltdown. It took me longer to recover than it did Buddy but we're both okay now.

Finally, a little recognition

So today, for the first time, it finally happened. A total stranger noticed I was pregnant. Now, to be fair, I was holding a pamphlet on caring for children, so if she was looking at me and thinking "Is she or isn't she?" she had a little help. Still, it was very exciting for me. It was also funny because up until she said something, I had been secretly hating her and this other woman that she was with. I was waiting for the streetcar on Spadina and it was about 35 degrees. I had my choice of waiting in the shade provided by the streetcar shelter where there was zero breeze or standing in the blistering sun where there was a nice bit of air flow. The streetcar was nowhere in sight and took at least 10 minutes to come. I seriously thought I was going to faint. But I was first in line so I knew I'd be getting on the next one so I was toughing it out (well, actually I was debating whether or not I could justify the cost of a cab but I decided I needed to be at least 8 months pregnant for that).

Then this 100-year-old lady with a cane came and stood in front of me. Well, I was irritated but she did look very old and she did have a cane and a little shopping cart (or bundle buggy as my mom likes to call them) so I thought that her case was definitely solid for getting on ahead of someone who was 6 months pregnant. But then these other two women came up near the front and I was annoyed with them. I don't know what it is with Spadina but people do not obey the basic structure of the line. Everywhere else in the city, people line up. Spadina, the just walk past a line of 30 people to stand in the front. Yesterday someone cut in front of me with a frickin cooler during rush hour. Not cool. It's also the only station where they have to have TTC staff in the subway station to control people as they get on the streetcar. Every other station, people line up unsupervised but in Spadina, they have to have people babysit us otherwise it can get pretty ugly as people swarm the streetcars. I have my own theories as to why this happens on Spadina but they are too boring to expand on here.

Anyway, the streetcar came and I, of course, let the old lady on first. Meanwhile, these two women tried to muscle their way around her while she struggled with her shopping cart. The streetcar was packed and I was not sure that all four of us would get on, never mind the other 20 or so people in line. So I totally cut them off, thank you very much, and was feeling very indignant about it until one of them asked me if I wanted her to guilt someone into giving me a seat. We then had a very nice chat about how people in Toronto never give their seats to pregnant women anymore and really hardly even give their seats to elderly people or those with disabilities. I was so pleased to have strangers acknowledge my pregnancy that I didn't even care that these women had butt in front of a whole line and tried to force their way in front of me to get onto the streetcar.

For the record, I'm 25 weeks pregnant so only 2 weeks away from my third trimester before someone finally noticed that I was pregnant. Sometimes I think I'm going to actually have to have a baby coming out of me before someone gives me their seat on the streetcar.

Ads that piss me off: Nokia

So while Mark and I were in Vancouver, I spotted this ad on the ceiling of a city bus.




I think you can guess what pisses me off about it. The ad itself is for a phone that lets you copy an image from the world and have it appear as the skin on your phone. Which, okay, is pretty cool but come on. Where do I even start with this? I mean the most obvious is the boob thing. Of course, of course, it has to be a woman in a skin tight dress and of course the sample is going to come from her cleavage. And of course it's going to be big enough that we can see a bit of her sexy bra and the perfect globes of her boobs. Seriously? Breasts don't look like that. That is not a shape that nature created. That shape only results from silicone or push-up bras. And just once, just once I would love to see breasts with moles, scars, or even an uneven skin tone. Cause in real life, they just ain't so perfect. But whatever, realistic breasts in advertising only seem to appear in Dove ads and even then they look pretty good.

But back to the exposed cleavage - I mean, really, there is just no subtlety left. Let's use boobs to sell a cell phone. You might as well just have her stuff it in her cleavage and walk around like that instead. And I love the look on her face as she looks down at her own suddenly exposed cleavage. She's shocked but turned on. Her breasts are so gorgeous and she finds being exposed so sexy. The hand pulling at the hip/groin region of the dress down in the bottom corner lets you know how sexy she really finds the whole situation. I mean, if they have to use sex to sell phones (and really, don't they always have to?), they could be sensual and provocative and have the sample come from her shoulder or her back. It doesn't always have to be breasts and bums, you know.

And of course we have to use an animal print dress. That just sexes it up even more. Let's make her look primal and animal, associate her with basic instincts cause that's so hot. Women who wear animal prints are only after one thing. Especially women who wear skin tight animal print dresses.

But the thing that bugs me most about this ad is the thing that bugs me about the majority of print ads for camera phones - they always refer, either directly or obliquely, to taking sexy pictures of women. TV ads don't often go this route because I think it is hard to do without being really fricking obvious in a TV commercial but print ads always seem to have women in bikinis or bending over and pouting or things like this, where the women's picture isn't actually on the cell phone but still the her sex and the phone are linked. And it bugs me because of all the incidents where women's pictures are taken without their knowledge, the way girls are cyber-bullied with pictures taken of them in change rooms. The whole business of camera phones frankly reeks of sexual exploitation to me and that advertisers capitalize on that just really makes me sick. And this ad totally plays on it. The sexiness of the model, the cleavage, plus her own reaction to the exposure of the cleavage - which suggests it wasn't her that removed the sample from her dress - it just all presents the picture of "playful" and oh so disturbing sexual victimization and exploitation.

When I see ads like this, I just get really really angry. Because it's a fucking cell phone. Stress the communication functions. Stress the appearance if you want. But stop linking it with sex - especially non-voluntary exploitative sex. It's just a further example of how women's bodies are taken out of their own control and become objectified public property. The subtext of this ad and the actuality of what happens with camera phones underscore our society's totally lax attitude about women's rights to privacy and ownership of their own bodies. You may see this as a big stretch, but I don't. It's all the same thing. When women's bodies are objectified, sexualized, and treated without dignity, then women themselves are objectified, sexualized, and treated without dignity. And that opens the door for a whole range of negative outcomes from low self-esteem to rape and domestic violence.

And while here in North America these attitudes have enough negative impact (think rape, sexual harassment, the $11 billion diet industry, girls who are afraid to quit smoking for fear of getting fat, girls who can't go to school because of bullying and harassment) these attitudes have far more horrifying outcomes in other parts of the world, like the Congo where 8 year old girls are raped so violently they have to been sewn back together. And we just let it happen because we don't value women. So don't tell me ads like this don't mean anything. They signal an implicit approval of the poor treatment of women around the world and a devaluing of women here at home.